I managed to renew PC resources after all. It is more suitable for working with sound now. So I will continue to try to make music. For me it is the only cure to allay endless ennui… And so far “Demon’s Music” (3:00) below.

As I supposed, my computer did not tolerate my attempts to make music after all. It is repaired now, but system is not suitable for further experiments. It should be expected that old configuration did not tolerate the overloads. And also, using the bad soundcard and weak system resources, it was rather strange to be surprised that sound is not very good or it has some distortions. Of course, in general the sound depends on me also. Perhaps, I will be able to buy a computer with more powerful configuration, but only approximately after 6 maybe 10 months of working, if I will be fortunate. Anyway I will not be able to continue my musical attempts for a while. And I don’t have enough time for it. I need the calm silent surroundings also, which I am not able to acquire. Well, there is nothing else to do but to make music in a noisy and nervous atmosphere. Generally, is it possible to get hearing defects because of constant noises, especially because of low and monotonous noises? Of course if I have some musical hearing.

I try not to think about the work, which I have to do. I don’t like it, I feel that it is not my. But I don’t have much choice. And it is a pity. At least I have the motivation. It is to make music, even if the music is not good and nobody needs it. Though, it is obvious that monotonous job activates other parts of the brain than creative work. And I guess that the parts of the brain that are active in creative work are probably getting rest. But I don’t need overloads in all types of work of the brain.

Concerning a subconscious part of brain functioning, it is still present in dreams and while the writing the dreams down. Because it is necessary to reproduce in memory the things which were seen during the sleep. As if to see the dream the second time, to write it down… I understand that as result, even little experiments with my own brain and subconsciousness can lead to possible apparition of different oddities. Though I am probably already odd because I am interested in such things as, imagination, working of the brain, its subconscious part, and so on. And it is more important for me.

And also I have a desire to learn and know French language. I would like to be able to express my thoughts in it. I like this language, it seems to me beautiful. But I don’t have time. Also I have noticed that I didn’t know any word in French before. And now I have little vocabulary of some simple words, which I can understand. However I am not able to connect them into sentence anyway, I don’t know the grammar.

I read the textbook about computer music so far. And I feel myself so stupid… But in some things I really was moving in a right direction with the help of intuition. It means that I am not hopeless.

Stopping on definite thoughts and feelings. And when strange things happen. Necessity of expressing them appears. But how they can be expressed. These feelings almost can not be explained. Or it is simply impossible to explain them. They don’t give way to logic. They are on the border between insanity and unbelievable things… I wish I had more clearness in expression of my thoughts. These feelings don’t have equivalent in words. They can only be felt.